Anchor Kids Without Crushing Their Superpowers 💥
I talk a lot about regulation.
Last week, I was watching a Marvel movie with my family, and when a star character lost their ever-loving mind and flew into a rage, my teenager turned to me and said with a cheeky grin: "Uh-oh. Regulation, right?"
Totally!!
Not even superheroes can hold it together all the time. But that doesn't erase ALL the good of which they are capable!
We do overwhelmed kids a dis-service when we label aggression as bullying or violence. They are not trying to hurt or hate on purpose; they are flooded with emotions and need help coming back to themselves.
Their inner goodness exists, completely intact, right alongside the messiness.
Yes, we absolutely do need to interrupt or contain intensity when they, or we, don't feel safe. Providing safety is essential.
And...Seeing upsets + challenges through the lens of regulation means we can save ourselves—and our precious kids—a bunch of heartache as we weather emotional storms. Together.
We can target the intensity, instead of the kid who is showing it to us.
Here are 3 tools to anchor kids without crushing their superpowers:
1. Don't take it personally
​Kids lose it. We all do. And it's usually sparked by a flooding inside our own body/brain/emotions that's not dependent on or caused by what anyone else is doing...even if they are breathing weird or being rude.
Their overwhelm is Not. About. You.
2. Calibrate your energy​
Our big feelings are not our kids' responsibility. Aggression can easily spark annoyance, frustration, or fury. I feel you. And I have been there. One of our parent roles is being an emotional first responder—which means learning to handle our own emotions and off-load surges of intensity.
When we focus on our own regulation first, we have more capacity to help them.
3. Signal safety​
Our spidey-senses are often tingling well before we lose it. That means any behavior we can SEE is a manifestation of emotions we CAN'T SEE...the feelings of fear, alarm, and absolute overwhelm come before fists of fury and tears of terror!
Use your body posture (yep, talk less) to show them you are a safe harbor, and can survive the storm without adding to it. Sit down, if you can. Soften your gaze. Breathe. Always breathe. And then make a choice about how to meet them.
Neither permissiveness nor swift punishment shows kids how to cope. And, perhaps worse—it makes them feel unsteady when we don't meet unworkable behavior with sturdy limits. But we can't lead them through it, if we are flooded, too.
I go deeper into all these ideas and tools in the multi-week parent series, Being With: A course for parents of kids with big, baffling behaviors, including what to do when things go sideways...because they will.
We can meet the energy of aggression and fear without giving in or going BIG with our reactions. When things get intense is *exactly* when we need to call on our superpowers.
Let's flex them together!