Shoulds We Can Shed
If you have a sneaking suspicion that parenting challenges aren’t just about our kids' behavior, you’re on to something.
Any of these sound familiar?
You can’t get your kids to stop fighting—even though you're good at solving lots of other problems and you know they know better.
You get furiously annoyed when the whining or screaming ramps up—which is totally understandable...but you also *seriously* wish you could stop yelling back at them.
You feel resistance to enforcing screen limits—because video games and shows offer you such delicious breathing room—even though more screens usually make transitions harder.
I see these dynamics a lot, and if you’re nodding along, know that you’re in good company. Other smart, adaptive, resourceful parents are nodding right along with you.
This is NOT your insufficiency or failure. This is parenthood.
Unfortunately, many standard parenting strategies just make things worse.
Time-out separates kids from someone who can help them regulate.
Behaviors like aggression, whining, and ignoring don't disappear by threatening consequences, "being consistent" or even "staying calm." And power-over moves like yelling, spanking, or time-outs increase fear and disconnection.
Kids are looking to us to show them how to deal, not to dole out punishments.
Let's bust that "calm" myth first: No one is calm all the time—that's not a thing—and I'm a committed yogi, trained therapist, and a parent coach. My teenager can assure you: I am not calm all the time.
Update: I just asked my kid; I've been down-graded from 50% calm to 30% 😂
But you know what? I'll take it. Because here's the deal:
We only need to practice consistent, reliable, accurate communication to our children's needs 33% of the time.
- from Ed Tronick's research on parent-child attunement
The remaining 67% of connection is built on rupture + repair (mistakes and apologies, conflict and reconnection).
We are expected to miss the mark with fair frequency. Resilience is strengthened by returning to reconnect, again and again. But it's also harder to loop back and make those repairs when our own needs are not met.
There will certainly be times, or whole seasons (ahem, the COVID years!) when we need more support than usual. Let this be the love letter that encourages you to reach out for back-up. Whether that’s help splitting carpool or watching your kids on the playground after school today.
That whisper of exhaustion deserves to be heard before it becomes a shout.
And today? If the shouts come from burnt-out and tired you? I get it. No wonder. I hear you. It makes sense.
You shouldn’t have to carry all this on your own.
Sometimes our best instincts get buried in shoulds. And then they come out sideways.
Letting go of have-to's makes room for meeting needs.
This happens for kids, too. When they’re off-track, distracted, or not following directions…we can get stuck in expectations and shoulds about their behavior.
So, once more, with feeling—What “should” can you let go of today after school? Over dinner? Before bed?
Because cooperation has room to bloom when we make room for kids to show us what they need.
And our best practice of this superpower is aiming it at ourselves, first.