Setting Limits Like 1, 2, 3...

After more than a dozen years as a child development specialist and parent coach, I have some not-favorite parenting books on my list. Near the top of my I don't think so selections is "1, 2, 3...Magic!"

I don't truck with fear and intimidation as effective strategies for gaining cooperation.

Regardless of a child's behavior, the approach of counting toward either a negative consequence or an ambiguous threat is a strategy guaranteed to create more distance than connection.

A kid whose behavior is off-track is a kid who needs help, not harshness.

An adult who is counting toward the future, with an eye on the time-out or other punishment coming down the pipeline has already left the present moment and communicated:

"I can't stand for this behavior to continue, so I'm going to intimidate you into doing something different"

"I'm not available to help you in this moment, because my mood and how I use my power depends on your behavior"

"Your needs, perception & problem-solving ability must match mine, and if you don't catch up quickly, you will regret it"

Children are neither tiny adults, nor carbon copies of us.

They have needs that will diverge from ours often. But we don't have to be ruled by their whims or disregard our own needs.

Neither punishment nor being permissive will help them learn new strategies.

I have no doubt you've been clear about the rules, the reasons, and the consequences. But when kids are in over their heads—they aren't thinking about any of that! They aren't thinking, period. They are in over their heads.

There are 3 keys to sturdy limits, regardless of what's behind off-track behavior. None of these is "magic." But they can steer you both back toward connection.

Step #1: Listen and Think.

Survey the scene. If there's a safety issue, take action immediately.

Kids count on us to protect them. And one of our most important roles as parents is being a reliable gatekeeper. If someone is getting hurt, or about to—you may need to intervene swiftly or firmly. But we often have time to build in a pause before reacting.

Barring emergency—behaviors mostly aren't—proceed with eyes open and your good thinking turned up. When you build in a pause between their behavior and your response, you've got more options.

Do you truly need a limit? Or could ignoring the behavior, redirecting their attention, being playful, or postponing action also work?

Step #2: Bring the Limit.
​"Bringing the limit" means your words and actions match.

Just saying a limit—or yelling it—often isn't enough. You've gotta back it up.

When you say, "Let's go! Out the door!" but you don't have shoes on, and your laptop is still open...they can't close the gap on their own.

Instead, come into the same room and use an inside voice. If that's not enough, move between your child and the trouble that's brewing.

Check in with yourself: How composed are you?

Does it feel safe to make physical contact? A hand on the shoulder, grasping an object so it can't be thrown, moving away so they can't land a kick...while you are still calm, you've got options.

If you're thinking "I could throttle this kid," the message comes through loud and clear, even when you're not touching them. If you're thinking clearly, your body can back you up without taking over.

If you're angry or flooded, give yourself a limit: A conscious pause.

Splash water on your face. Drink some water. Step away and scream into a pillow. Then choose ONE limit to back up in this moment. Let the rest go.

If you feel compelled to count, use it to pace yourself:
- 3 deep breaths
- 2 laps around the house
- 1 glass of water
Mindfulness, regulation and counting down are grounding. Counting up to a consequence escalates the dynamic and adds a dash of fear.

Step #3: Listen again.
​Regulating yourself is part of setting a limit you can support.

When you are connected to your good thinking, you can handle the pushback that comes with a limit kids don't like.

Remember this: You are good. Your child is good.

Your limit might be just right for the situation at hand. But that doesn't mean it will go down easy. Be prepared for pushback, and know that it's how they learn to trust that your words + actions have integrity. It's not necessary to amplify the power dynamic to underscore this. Your steadiness is enough.

Holding the limit doesn't have to be harsh or punitive. You can sit down on the floor (makes it harder to yell), listen to their complaints (set a timer), let them know what part of the limit is negotiable (if any), or simply state that your answer isn't changing.

Talk less, teach later; they're not listening in the heat of the moment.

The impulse for them to try and "do something" about the limit they don't like...probably has nothing to do with you.

Limits are the all-purpose backboard for rebounding all the hurts and disappointments that build up in a day or week of living.

Limits that are sturdy and clear, offered early, and held by a calm, compassionate adult are an ideal target for all the other upsets of the world.

When you hold steady for your kids and bring the limit before you lose it, you offer them a gift of clear expectations and container for their upset. You have room to listen to what if fueling the off-track behavior and making things feel hard.

You show them that you are a sturdy tree in their emotional storm, that won't be swayed by their anger or bluster, anchoring them until the storm passes.

That feels like a little bit of magic ✨